so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
