We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
