Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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