Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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