I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
