I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
