His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
