hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize