My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
