Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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