I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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