remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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