Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
