I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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