im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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