Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
