This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
