I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Acid is not a monday night drug
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
