she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
