so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
