its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
