Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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