you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
