Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
