despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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