i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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