I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
