i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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