i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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