Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Houston, we have a blender
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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