Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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