so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize