i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
