how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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