omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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