I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
