do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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