Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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