I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
