thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
