Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
