Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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