Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
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I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
