and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize