I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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