Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
