He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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