Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
