If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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