It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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