the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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