I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
