I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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