i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize