dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
