Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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