using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
