Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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