Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
