my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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