i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
