i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
