Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
