when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
