Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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